Welcome to the WORRRRLD OF TOMOOOOORROW!

What's this? A PC game? Well spare the rod, there, pilgrim, cause I got some real problems with this one.

First off, no, I never played System Shock 2, and no, I don't care if it's "the same game but underwater." So anyone who was looking for self-justification on that criticism from me can piss right off. Now then, I like a good RPG, and even though I'm kind of on the fence with first person shooters (Half Life 2 was brilliant, but that's another game for another day), I was hopeful that I was in the midst of a classic. I was around during the "buzz period" for this one, so I thought I'd give it a go, since it was on sale for $5.

That $5 could have bought me one hell of a burrito instead.

Now, to be fair, the setting is masterfully designed and the world and its inhabitants are amazing. Everything is beautifully sculpted and for the most part the script flows along nicely. I seriously hope they go through with a movie adaptation because it would probably be stellar. That being said...

Holy shit the gameplay is awful. This is the most egregious example of all style and no substance I have ever seen in a game. It starts off so promising, too. Zapping a bitch with your LIGHTNING HANDS and then wailing on her with a wrench feels hilariously right at first. Searching every little nook and cranny and corpse for cash and pickups gives the same mini-rush as pickpocketing everything in sight in Fallout 2. The first couple of Big Daddies (ugh don't make me type those words again) you encounter are amazingly tense and freaky as shit. But then, before you know it, the magic is gone, and the monotony begins.

Somewhere around the 3 hour mark, weapons and such start feeling completely ineffective, with enemies suddenly having ridiculous amounts of health and completely schizo AI that is constantly set to the "annoy the fuck out of the player" state. The weapons themselves are slightly exaggerated caricatures of every single FPS weapon ever designed since Wolfenstein 3D. The far-flung boss fights typically have great set-up, followed by everyone's favorite "shoot at the Cyberdemon until it dies" tedium that coats so much of the rest of the game.

The much-lauded-and-then-later-lampooned "good and evil" system is distilled into a single occasional keypress, puzzles are less about abusing the environment and more of giant billboards written by Captain Obvious himself, artificial inventory limits punish any sort of experimentation with your magical hand powers, and...oh yeah, you can't die. You respawn at the last checkpoint completely intact, no progress lost, so you can lead a one-man zerg rush against the entire game if the concepts of "tactical superiority" and "health/ammo conservation" make your head hurt worse than overblown bloom effects.

What a waste of an absolutely amazing setting. The story's a little dumb, but it's populated with some great personalities (style versus substance again), and it's really sad how much care went into the world's designs, only to be shoved on the sidelines of a mediocre 10-hour video game. Oh well; at least I'll take solace in the screams of those people who paid full price for this shipwreck.